Trump is Less Popular Than Jimmy Kimmel, Rants About Osama bin Laden & Wants His Face on Money

The program host returned to the Hollywood studio following a week of broadcasts originating from Brooklyn, New York. The host expressed relief at no longer needing to feign enthusiasm for the Yankees baseball team. The production brought 264 staff members to New York, leading to a stark, humorous accounting of personnel status, implying significant losses during the trip.

Logistical difficulties plagued the production team, creating uncertainty regarding the show's immediate future on the air. A specific airline's policy of only allowing flight cancellations while already airborne compounded travel stress for the crew during the challenging period.

Exciting news surfaced over the weekend, derived from a recent poll conducted by the serious polling organization Yuggov. The results indicated that the host held a significant popularity advantage over the sitting President of the United States, leading by a margin of 16 points in the survey of over a thousand individuals.

Finding a toenail in your salad has a seven-point lead over Donald Trump.

The White House released an official statement in response to the polling data and the host's commentary. The statement emphasized that over 77 million Americans voted for President Donald J. Trump on election day, asserting he is delivering on his mandate to prioritize America first. The statement then mocked the host for struggling to maintain support after a reported 64% ratings drop last week.

The discussion shifted to the ongoing public interest surrounding the Epstein files, noting that a vast majority of Americans desire their release. Specifically, 77% of the American populace reportedly wants these documents published, whereas the current American President apparently opposes their disclosure, treating them like a guarded secret.

Caitlyn Collins from CNN directly questioned the President regarding plans to pardon Ghislaine Maxwell, who was convicted of child sex trafficking. Despite being typically quick to comment on such matters, the President exhibited sudden hesitancy, claiming unfamiliarity with the name and stating a need to review the request after consulting the Department of Justice.

The President rallied supporters in Norfolk during an event marking the Navy's 250th anniversary. The address featured the President's signature dance and an inexplicable theme song choice, failing to utilize the obvious Village People song, "In the Navy," for the occasion. The President later arrived by helicopter to the tune of "Danger Zone" from Top Gun.

The President repeated an assertion that he had warned about Osama bin Laden exactly one year prior to the World Trade Center attack. This claim was allegedly documented in a book the President wrote, though the title of this publication could not be recalled. The context implied that the President possessed crucial intelligence regarding the terrorist leader long before the major attack.

A federal judge issued a ruling that blocked the President from deploying the California National Guard into Oregon, a move considered highly unusual. The order came after the President commanded the Oregon National Guard to suppress what he termed an insurrection in Portland, which the state governor immediately contested as illegal due to the absence of any actual insurrection.

The president's determination was simply untethered to the facts.

Legal filings from Oregon suggested that the President's action stemmed from confusion, possibly caused by Fox News playing old footage of the Portland protests from 2020 on a continuous loop. Consequently, the deployment was intended to stop an event that had concluded five years prior, prompting the judge—who was appointed by Donald Trump—to intervene.

The President threatened action against NBC and ABC, suggesting the Federal Communications Commission should investigate their licenses due to perceived biased reporting. Specific accusations included Al Sharpton's commentary on MSNBC and reports claiming 97% of coverage regarding Republicans on Fox News was negative. Furthermore, the President expressed dissatisfaction with the level of support received from Fox News after a decade of favorable coverage.

The Treasury Department reportedly discussed the possibility of minting money featuring the President's image. The White House press secretary claimed ignorance regarding the movement to place the President's face on a dollar coin, although the narrative suggested it was likely the President's own idea, symbolizing dominance over all government branches.

During a trip to Jamaica, Queens, a segment was conducted near where the President grew up. Crew members informed park attendees that the President planned to rename the park in his honor, gauging the genuine reaction of the local community members to this hypothetical tribute.

Following the discussion about the park's fate, the locals were asked to address Councilman Harry Peresties, who was supposedly proposing the rededication. Despite significant difficulty pronouncing the councilman's name correctly, several individuals offered their vocal support, telling the camera that the councilman had their vote.