Robert Waldinger: What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness | TED

The pursuit of happiness and health is a universal human endeavor, yet many commonly held beliefs about what contributes to a good life might be misguided. A recent survey revealed that over 80% of millennials aspire to become rich, and 50% seek fame, driven by a societal narrative that emphasizes career achievement and material gain. However, a groundbreaking 75-year study conducted by Harvard University, known as the Harvard Study of Adult Development, offers a starkly different perspective. This unprecedented longitudinal research has tracked the lives of 724 men since 1938, continuously gathering data on their work, home lives, health, and overall well-being. The study's findings consistently point to one overarching truth: good relationships are the cornerstone of a happy and healthy life. It debunks the myths that wealth, fame, or relentless work lead to lasting contentment, instead highlighting the profound impact of social connections, the quality of close relationships, and the protective power these bonds have on both physical and mental health as individuals age. This profound insight, while seemingly simple, challenges modern societal norms and encourages a re-evaluation of where people invest their time and energy for future well-being.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development

The Harvard Study of Adult Development stands as perhaps the longest such study ever conducted on adult life. For an impressive 75 years, researchers have meticulously followed the lives of 724 men, collecting data on various aspects of their existence, including their professional lives, personal relationships, and health status. This continuous tracking was done without prior knowledge of how each individual's life story would unfold, allowing for unbiased observation. Such studies are exceptionally rare, as most research projects of this magnitude typically face cessation within a decade due to participant dropout, funding depletion, or researchers moving on or passing away. However, through a combination of serendipity and the dedicated efforts of multiple generations of researchers, this study has remarkably persisted. Currently, approximately 60 of the original 724 participants, mostly in their 90s, are still active in the study. Furthermore, the research has expanded to include over 2,000 children of these men, ensuring its continuity and broadening its scope for future insights.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development may be the longest study of adult life that's ever been done. For 75 years, we've tracked the lives of 724 men, year after year, asking about their work, their home lives, their health, and of course asking all along the way without knowing how their life stories were going to turn out.

Participants: Diverse Backgrounds

Since its inception in 1938, the study has tracked two distinct groups of men. The first group consisted of sophomores from Harvard College, who completed their education during World War II, with many subsequently serving in the military. The second group comprised boys from the most impoverished neighborhoods of Boston in the 1930s, specifically chosen from troubled and disadvantaged families. Many of these boys lived in tenements, often without basic amenities like hot and cold running water. Upon entering the study as teenagers, all participants underwent interviews and medical examinations, and researchers even visited their homes to interview their parents. Over the decades, these teenagers grew into adults from diverse walks of life, including factory workers, lawyers, bricklayers, doctors, and even one President of the United States. While some faced challenges like alcoholism or schizophrenia, others experienced significant social mobility, climbing from the bottom to the very top of the social ladder, and some took the journey in the opposite direction. The study's founders could never have foreseen its longevity, with research continuing for over 75 years.

Data Collection Methods

To ensure a comprehensive understanding of the participants' lives, the study employs a multifaceted approach to data collection. Every two years, the dedicated research staff contacts the men to send them questionnaires. However, the data collection extends far beyond simple surveys. Researchers conduct in-person interviews in the participants' living rooms, gather their medical records from their doctors, and even collect blood samples and perform brain scans. They also engage with the participants' children and videotape conversations between the men and their wives discussing their deepest concerns. Approximately a decade ago, the study expanded its participant base to include the wives of the original men, many of whom expressed that it was "about time" they were brought into the research.

Key Lessons About Relationships

From the tens of thousands of pages of information amassed over 75 years, the Harvard Study yields clear and impactful lessons that challenge conventional wisdom about what constitutes a good life. These lessons fundamentally pivot away from the common pursuits of wealth, fame, or relentless professional achievement. Instead, the most unequivocal message derived from this extensive research is that good relationships are the paramount factor in fostering both happiness and health.

Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period. We've learned three big lessons about relationships.

Social Connections and Loneliness

The first significant lesson is the profound importance of social connections and the detrimental effects of loneliness. The study clearly demonstrates that individuals who are more socially connected—whether to family, friends, or their community—tend to be happier, physically healthier, and live longer lives compared to those who are less connected. Conversely, the experience of loneliness is identified as toxic. People who feel more isolated than they desire report lower levels of happiness, experience earlier declines in physical health during midlife, exhibit sooner declines in brain functioning, and generally live shorter lives than their non-lonely counterparts.Alarmingly, more than one in five Americans report feeling lonely at any given time, underscoring the widespread nature of this issue. The study also highlights that loneliness can exist even within a crowd or a marriage, emphasizing that connection is about quality, not just physical proximity.

Quality of Close Relationships

The second critical lesson revolves around the quality of close relationships, rather than merely the number of friends one has or whether one is in a committed partnership. Living amidst high-conflict relationships, particularly marriages lacking affection, proves detrimental to health, potentially even more so than divorce. In stark contrast, living within the embrace of warm, supportive relationships offers significant protection. When researchers retrospectively examined the participants at age 50 to predict their health and happiness in their 80s, they found that cholesterol levels were not the determining factor. Instead, the strongest predictor was the participants' satisfaction level in their relationships at midlife. Those who reported the highest relationship satisfaction at 50 were the healthiest at 80. These strong, close relationships appear to buffer individuals from the challenges and pains associated with aging. Happily partnered individuals in their 80s reported that even on days of physical pain, their mood remained positive. However, those in unhappy relationships experienced magnified emotional pain alongside their physical discomfort.

Relationships Protecting Brains

The third major lesson gleaned from the study is that good relationships not only safeguard our bodies but also protect our brains. Being in a securely attached relationship in one's 80s is shown to be a protective factor. Individuals in relationships where they feel they can truly rely on their partner during times of need tend to maintain sharper memories for longer durations. Conversely, those in relationships where they feel they cannot count on the other person experience earlier memory decline. It's important to note that these "good" relationships don't have to be perpetually smooth. Some octogenarian couples in the study bickered daily, yet as long as they felt they could depend on each other during difficult times, these arguments did not negatively affect their memories. This underscores that the underlying sense of security and reliability within a relationship is paramount.

Why This Wisdom Is Overlooked

The wisdom that good, close relationships are vital for health and well-being is ancient, yet it remains surprisingly difficult for many to internalize and easy to disregard. This often stems from human nature's preference for quick fixes—solutions that promise immediate and lasting improvements to life without sustained effort. Relationships, by contrast, are inherently messy, complex, and demand continuous hard work. Nurturing bonds with family and friends is not glamorous or exciting; it is a lifelong commitment that never truly ends. The study observed that the happiest retirees were those who actively replaced work social circles with new "playmates," indicating an intentional effort to maintain social connections beyond professional life. The initial aspirations of many young adults, including the millennials surveyed and the men in the study's early years, centered on wealth, fame, and high achievement as paths to a good life. However, the study's consistent findings over 75 years repeatedly demonstrated that those who thrived were the ones who prioritized and invested in their relationships with family, friends, and community.

Applying the Lessons

Regardless of age—whether 25, 40, or 60—there are countless ways to actively "lean into relationships." The possibilities are incredibly diverse and adaptable to individual circumstances. Simple yet effective actions include replacing excessive screen time with meaningful interactions with people. It could also involve revitalizing a stagnant relationship by engaging in new activities together, such as going for long walks or planning regular date nights. Furthermore, reaching out to estranged family members, even after years of silence, can be profoundly beneficial. The study highlights that prolonged family feuds and the grudges they foster take a significant emotional toll on those who harbor them, indicating the healing power of reconciliation and renewed connection. As Mark Twain wisely reflected more than a century ago, life is too brief for discord. His quote encapsulates the enduring message: "There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that." This enduring wisdom reaffirms that a truly good life is meticulously built upon the foundation of good relationships.

Takeaways

1. Relationships Over Riches and Fame: The Harvard Study of Adult Development, spanning 75 years, conclusively demonstrates that good relationships are the most significant predictor of happiness and physical health, fundamentally more impactful than wealth, fame, or career success.
2. Social Connection Fights Loneliness: People who are more socially connected to family, friends, and community are happier, healthier, and live longer. Conversely, loneliness is toxic, leading to earlier health declines and shorter lifespans.
3. Quality Trumps Quantity: It's not the number of friends or simply being in a committed relationship that matters, but the quality of close relationships. High-conflict, low-affection relationships are detrimental to health, while warm, supportive ones are protective.
4. Relationships Protect Brain and Body: Good relationships not only buffer us from the physical pains of aging but also protect our brains. Securely attached relationships in old age lead to sharper memory retention, even if occasional disagreements occur.
5. Investment in Relationships is Lifelong Work: While relationships are messy and require continuous effort, dedicating time and energy to nurturing them—rather than seeking quick fixes in material gains—is the most reliable path to a good life, encouraging actions like prioritizing people over screens or reconciling with estranged family members.

References

• Harvard Study of Adult Development official site
• Benefits of strong social ties on health
• Impact of loneliness on health
• Quality versus quantity in relationships research
• Relationship satisfaction and healthy aging
• Social connections and brain health
• Mark Twain quotes on life and love